Monday, July 6, 2009

The Coming Messiahette

(c) Runner's World

Ah, Sarah Palin. The hottest and nuttiest politician in the United States, if not the world. And her latest nuttiness is her Friday resignation as governor (effective at the end of the month). Unfortunately for Alaska, she's robbed them of their only chance to live her down (by impeachment, recall, etc.).

Like most people, I don’t know what to make of this. I don’t get it. Shit must be about to hit the fan. There’s so much that could take Sarah down: her quid pro quo house, getting paid to stay at that house, the (remote) possibility that Trig isn’t her child, and that she endangered his life. And so on.

My mom is dead certain that she’s been nailing the LtGov and he's blackmailing her.

But I’m not going to speculate, or at least not here. I have another reason for this post.

I am not the first to notice that Sarah seems to have cult-member-like followers. These people loyally do whatever she asks, defend her every mistake, and think she’s the greatest potential POTUS since Abraham Lincoln, if not Washington. She’s even been compared to the Biblical figures of Deborah and Esther. I don’t really know the story of Deb, but I once read the whole “Book of Esther.” Basically, Esther saved the Jewish people from a Holocaust, circa 500 BCE.

So apparently, Palinites think Obama’s sending them to the gas chambers. Whatever.

Well, I decided to mock all this. What would a religion centered around Sarah Palin actually be like? I sat down and tried to write the “Gospel of Sarah Palin,” in which Sarah is the Messiah. I got nowhere, even though I came up with the gospel’s central message..

Then, this happened.

The Palinites are still rallying around her (or is that “Her”?). From comments on “The Immoral Minority” blog:
“Palin's political career is "OVER". C4P [] is having a prayer vigil, and reading form the bible. They're all wet from jumping into some river with a guy named moses. Desperation plus. We deserve an apoligy [sic] from these idiots.”
“’[T]echno’, one of the most hardcore supporters at C4P, just commented there: ‘Folks, just remember Sarah is prepared to go into the wilderness to save America from Obama's radical socialist agenda; the least we can do is to stand by her always and be prepared to fight to the death for her.’”

(Anonymous@7:44 PM and Patrick)
In case you didn’t know, “wilderness” is a reference to the 40 days Jesus Christ spent in the desert, where He was tempted by Satan. And “Fight to the death”? What the ____ is Sarah planning, a revolution?

Anyway, I’ve been inspired by this outburst of Crusader zeal, so I have written this updated version of the Lord’s it “The Lady’s Prayer”:

Our Mother who art in Alaska,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy presidency come.
Thy will be done,
In Washington, as it is in Wasilla;
Give us this day our daily bread,
Not a handout, but via the forces of trickle-down economics;
And forgive us our sins,
As Thou ruthlessly destroy those who sin against us;
And deliver us straight into temptation,
With Thy tight dresses and fuck-me pumps;
For Thine is the Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory forever, you betcha!

- Matthew (R-Galilee) 6:9-13

I guess we’re at the “Temptation of Christ” phase for Sarah: She’s forgoing power in order to do Her duty as Messiah.

By this analogy, the crucifixion is the campaign in 2012; the resurrection is Her election. So will it’ll be a three-day recount? The will of God be done.

I just hope the will of God is to have her career implode.

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